Update from MD Anderson 12.14.11

Posted on December 21, 2011 by

I know we have not written in a while and since many of you who have stopped in over the last two months have not received any news regarding the latest visit to MD Anderson Cancer Center, I have decided to post something other than a sermon.

On December 14th we visited MD Anderson as a follow-up regarding the mysterious “spot” that showed up in the MRI at my last post-treatment cancer check-up.  The day of appointments began with me at the wrong building at the right time… after a harried 15-minute power-walk for Lexi and I to the correct building, 25 minutes for my very pregnant, waddling wife, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I had to have an IV inserted to receive contrast during the MRI….  This MRI would last more than twice as long as what I normally have.  Not a big deal to me personally as I usually just sleep through them.  It was a blessing in disguise as it allowed my family to pack up our hotel room and check out without missing anything.

As I was waiting for the MRI to take place I received a very surprising (even inspiring) visit from the doctor who would be doing my imaging.  The first surprise was that he was a full doctor… normally I only see an ‘imaging technician.’  This doctor, who I’m going to call Jimmy to protect the innocent, was a Christian.  Without digressing entirely too much I’ll just say that The Lord used him to directly answer a question Robin and I had about the situation.  He first went out to the lobby and asked my wife to join me as he explained in detail many things that I had not fully understood going back to the original diagnosis and surgery/treatment from nearly five years ago.  He shared that some of the best minds in the fields of imaging, surgery and neurology would be examining the scans he was performing.  These people, I was told, do not regularly see patients and are the top in their fields.  They are the colloquial best-of-the-best and have taken an interest in “my case.”

After some napping in the MRI, an uninspiring snack and quick hike to the opposite side of the M.D. Anderson campus I had all my vitals checked and went through the standard battery of neurological exams and questions in preparation to see my neuro-oncologist (here-to referred to as ‘my doctor’).  These tests are generally the most embarrassing time for my family.  See, I enjoy having a good time and have a rather dry sense of humor.  This often leads to totally straight-faced jokes that highly educated people either don’t quickly comprehend or don’t know how to respond to.  I often get quite a lot of enjoyment out of these… most everyone else doesn’t, which makes me enjoy it that much more.

The visit with my doctor went fairly typically except this time we were discussing the results of the very in-depth, detailed scans that I had just endured (read: napped through).  After some discussion of the new medicine I am on and how that has changed our daily lives (prayer needed) we got to the nitty-gritty.

The higher-definition MRI showed that the ‘spot’ in question has not changed at all in 6 weeks.  When I asked if that was no measurable change or no medically effected change, he responded the only difference in the MRI’s is the slight position change of my head.  This was fairly surprising.  He went on to say they are sure it is not scar tissue, but they still cannot determine how harmful it is.  They can be sure that in the past when there have been changes like this, in situations like mine, it has always been cancer growth or scar tissue.  They also know that the brain doesn’t go from bad to good tissue.  My doctor goes on to say it’s some type of cancer growth, changing at some undetermined rate with an undetermined effect on the surrounding tissue.  The course of action is to wait and see what else happens so they can hopefully make more determinations.  Bottom line is we double the time between scans from 42 days (6 weeks) to 3 months and check again.  We were told this is not particularly good news as the best they could have hoped for was confirmation of scar tissue.   In now knowing we are most likely dealing with cancer again, because this spot has not changed in 6 weeks, it is the best possible bad news we could get.  The doctor told us to go home, have a great Christmas, have a baby and we’ll figure things out in March.  Because we’ve caught this so early, he said we weren’t going to miss anything.  They are on top of it… whatever that means… (try telling that to my pregnant, very black and white, extreme type A wife.)

As I write this I am enjoying my son dancing and banging on things to the music on a VeggieTales show reflecting on the blessings Jesus has so generously poured out on my life.  So, in light of the entire lack of a plan to move forward from the doctors I rest peacefully in the trust that Jesus Christ STILL has my life, my family, my future, my dreams, my heart and my brain safely in the palm of His hand.  No matter the word of man, my Lord says, “I know the plans I have for you.  They are plans for good and not for disaster, plans to give you a future and a hope.”  MERRY CHIRSTMAS!

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Lexi’s Lessons – Who Am I?

Posted on December 13, 2011 by

Who am I?
Well through this whole process I have really been trialed a lot. Before I left for Colorado, I questioned if I wanted to move there, now I question if I want to go back at all. Now this blog can have one of two effects; I can either get screamed at for disrespect or finally resolve the question of “Who is Lexi Q?” Going through this whole thing with Seth has really brought out things in me that I have tried to forget, and my Colorado trip has reminded me of this a lot too.

Let’s start with my past. Well a rough sketch of it. I have done a lot that I regret. Scratch that- I regret nothing. I am smart enough to realize that things could have been done differently in many parts of my life but everything that I have done has made me, me. I like to have fun and I like to find escapes. Sports and music are fun, and clean escapes but in the past (especially after being hospitalized due to depression) I searched for complete escapes. When I wanted to completely escape, it was a lot easier to run to…. less nice, clean, escapes. I had a habit of doing what felt right at the time. I lived solely for the exact moment I was in. I didn’t care if it would hurt my friends or family, I felt good and that was all that mattered.

While I lived in Colorado, it was still fairly innocent. Well, kind-of, I was all about the boys. Having male attention is something that I have never really lacked. Am I saying that I have always had the dream guy knocking on my door? NOOOO! Actually, I haven’t until the past few months, but I have always had someone there to tell me they love me. It was something that made me feel good. I could sit and daydream or go and sneak to see him every chance that I got. It was easy, it was fun, but it was me beginning a scandalous life. I learned the art of lying, and manipulation.

When I moved to Texas, I was planning on changing my life and not dating and not searching for anything, except God, to be my escape. Well, let’s just say that I slipped up a little… I found a boyfriend within a week of being here and things that I was around in Colorado became things that I did on a weekly basis at least. I was spiraling downhill at scary rates. But I was doing it in a way that no one could notice. I could put on a face that made everyone think that I was this new, changed person. Looking back, I question how I got by, how I passed classes, how my friends still love me, how God can forgive me and many, many more things. I could question those things all day long but then I realize, 1) God has always been on my side, and 2) God sees my heart, he KNOWS that I can and have changed.

God, above anyone else knows that I have been very, very flawed. And I still am but I have said that I hate God, that I would never believe him again and I have said many things along those lines but the funniest thing about those comments was when I said them, I wasn’t believing in him or listening to him by any extent of the imagination. I have always been a very, very blessed person. God has always been there and every time I sit down to listen to him, I hear him. I have been very blessed to be able to exercise my gifts and it made it easy for me to call on God when it was “convenient” for me. I never had faith, let alone “childlike faith”. It has taken a lot for me to take a step back from the me, me, me Lexi, and start learning who I really am.

Up until about four months ago, I lived totally split lives. Growing up with divorced parents made split lives SUPER easy to maintain. I could be the athletic girl in one and a preppy Christian girl in another. I have country roots, city roots, and mountain roots, so when people ask what kind of girl I am, I am an everything girl. I love to get my nails done but I love to get dirty even more. If I could, I’d spend every day riding horses, four wheeling in the mud, camping (IN A TENT), hiking, practicing ball, swimming, and ending the day with a massage and a mani/pedi. I want to go to a private Christian college in East Texas and eventually raise a family there. I want to graduate with a masters in Psychology (with specialties in children, young adult and disability counseling) and minors in church choir, missions and theology. But, after college I want to go on a worship music tour to third world countries and sing in their native languages and then come home and start a ranch with horse riding for disabled and underprivileged children. Now, that is what I want in life… Who I am is based off of that but there is more.

Who am I? I’m a daughter, I’m a granddaughter, I’m a great granddaughter, I’m a niece,  I’m a cousin, I’m a friend, I’m a girlfriend, I’m an athlete, I’m a student, I’m a Christian and I am a daughter of God. I have been saved and forgiven by God. I have been broken and fixed but most of the time broken. I struggle and I succeed. I make mistakes and I try to fix them. I have been broken-hearted and stabbed in the back. I am so far from perfect in society that it’s scary. I have been criticized for my beliefs and I have been too cowardly to stand up for them at times. In all honesty, I know very little about who I am. If your reading this and you knew exactly who you were at 16, tell me, I’d love to hear about it. But what I know is that I love God, missions, family, love, friendships, music, goals and having childlike faith. I love being able to say, “I’m doing this because God told me to and ya, it sucks but he knows what I need to do, and he wont put me through something I can’t handle and I love Him for all of the things that I go through everyday.” I know that I posses many flaws that need to be worked through and I know that life isn’t going to be perfect. I know that I have a lot to do in my life and there will be struggles and there will be triumphs. I know that I cannot do it alone and that is where I know God will be there every step of the way. God will never turn his back on me and never let go of my hand. He will always be there to forgive me and He will always be the one thing that I NEED? My treasure is in heaven. I do not need any earthly gifts or accessories. All you need is God, All you need is God, God, God is all you need. ;)

Have I stopped leaning on a boy to help me get by? No. But have I stopped leaning on multiple boys, with bad habits that bring me down? Yes! Have I stopped sneaking around doing things that can ruin my life in a flash? Yes! I don’t expect people to believe me, and quite frankly, I don’t care because God can see my heart and He is all that matters. I have admitted to God all the things that I have done. Did I have to sit and beg for forgiveness for hours? No. But it was my way of asking for forgiveness, and where God can talk to me as a father and say “I forgive you” that is all I need. OF COURSE I want forgiveness from those who surround me but I don’t need it.

Looking at my life today, I have an amazing boyfriend who has an amazing family. I have a boyfriend that doesn’t go get high everyday, plays baseball and can look at me and think I’m beautiful in sweats and a t-shirt with no makeup on. His mom is so supportive and sweet. His brother and sister are some of the coolest kids that I have ever met. His dad can make me laugh and I admire him for how much he supports Cole and how much Cole loves him. The King family, without even knowing it has shown me what I want to be, not perfect, but real. I am at a school where EVERYONE supports one another. I can send out a prayer request and know I’m getting prayed for. I will never forget talking to Mrs. Lambert about Seth’s potential cancer and her praying for him in chapel. I know that Summit is praying for me and my family. It’s crazy to think that people that I don’t even know can say “God, please help their family.” I have this amazing step-father that can look at me and talk to me calmly when I know that I don’t deserve it. I have a mom that can put me in my place but at the end of the day I know that she can forgive me, and I know that no matter how far away I am or how much I hurt her…. she will never replace me, take my pictures down, or get rid of my stuff. My mom and Seth give me a stable home that allows me to know when I slip up, I will always have a place to come back to, I will always be able to look at the wall and see me and my family. I have a home in Texas. Do I love Colorado??? YES!!! Do I want to live there? No. It’s not really that I don’t want to either… I just can’t, at least not now and probably not ever. I have made enough mistakes in my life to realize when I have it good. I’m not about to mess it up again. And I have ignored God enough to know that when he tells me what to do, I better listen.

Yes, I get mad at my boyfriend and yell and get mean. Yes, I scream at my parents. Yes, I still miss going to parties. Yes, I have questioned my faith. No, I do not regret anything.  No, I don’t think that I am better than anyone. Yes, I struggle with a lack of self-confidence. Yes, I struggle with depression. Yes, I have many temptations. Yes, I lean on my boyfriend to much at times. No, I have never questioned our love. Yes, I have lived being degraded. Yes, I have been called fat and ugly. Yes, I am used to being compared to everyone around me. Yes, I struggle with bitterness, and a feeling of being abandoned. Yes, I accept guys treating me wrong because of how I was raised. Yes, I was in shock when I found a boy who treats me right. Yes, I sin. Yes, I have turned my life around. Yes, I have begged God for forgiveness and I HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN… No, I don’t ever want to go back. Everyone can be- just take a minute to talk to my savior… I promise that he loves you.

I don’t know why I needed to tell everyone that… but maybe it’ll have a positive outcome. Have a great Christmas season everyone!!!

Bible Verse:

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Matthew 6:20

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

1 Peter 4:10

Just as each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of the varied grace of God.

Prayer requests:

Seth’s healing, a joyful Christmas holiday, that the TRUE meaning of Christmas can be spread, a calm mind for me as I start taking finals next week, for all relationships to be brought closer together, and for every child in need to just be blessed, spiritually or with gifts, in this holiday season.

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Seth’s Sermons – Serving God

Posted on December 2, 2011 by

What’s the use of serving God?  Malachi 3:14 asks this question.  Yes, the Bible directly addresses questions about the very faith that it defines.  Let’s see how exactly the question is asked first so we can get a taste of the reality of our own hearts: 14 “You have said, ‘What’s the use of serving God? What have we gained by obeying his commands or by trying to show the Lord of Heaven’s Armies that we are sorry for our sins? 15 From now on we will call the arrogant blessed. For those who do evil get rich, and those who dare God to punish them suffer no harm.’”  How’s that for heart-felt arrogance?  These are questions that I have asked myself.

Now that I have been walking with The Lord of Heaven’s Armies for nearly 15 years, I can personally attest to The Lord’s honesty in his response.  Verse 17: “They will be my people,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “On the day when I act in judgment, they will be my own special treasure. I will spare them as a father spares an obedient child. 18 Then you will again see the difference between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not.”  Earlier in this chapter The Lord addresses the issue of the requirement to give 10% of your income to the local church; there we see some other benefits of serving Him vs. living our own way and doing everything we can to climb the ladder and get rich.

Malachi 3:10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! 11 Your crops will be abundant, for I will guard them from insects and disease. Your grapes will not fall from the vine before they are ripe,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 12 “Then all nations will call you blessed, for your land will be such a delight,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.

HELLO!?  Only a fool says in his heart, there is no God. (Ps 14:1)  And it would take a bigger fool to assume that even if there is a God, he cannot possibly have the ability or authority to influence or entirely control everything.  My God has said that if I will obey the commandments He has set out and seek to do His will in my life, things will go well for me and I will have a long and fruitful life (Eph 6:3), He will open the windows of Heaven and I will not be able to contain the blessings he will pour out (Mal 6:11), I will have peace in my heart that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) and that He will ALWAYS be with me, guiding me through life and protecting me from that which would destroy me (Ps 23:4).

So, as I sit here and ponder serving The Lord of Heaven’s Armies I must (again) come to the conclusion that I cannot possibly distrust or otherwise turn my back on Him.  I have 15 years of life-change, blessing, immeasurable peace, incredible wisdom and understanding that I can only attribute to the consequence of making Jesus first in my life.  I have been unable to contain the blessings He pours out and been unable to fathom the peace He has given me as I walked through the darkest valleys, even staring death square in the eye.  I have lived a fruitful life and have known The Lord’s hand and voice in many deep valleys and on many mountain tops.

None of this means that I do not have to fight my human instincts to blame Jesus, run away from his guidance and refuse to follow his commands.  These battles are sometimes daily occurrences, even after 14 years, 9 months and 7 days since I committed my life to Christ.  As an aside, that is 5,403 days or nearly 130,000 hours.  I have moments and days and sometimes weeks where I am frustrated and angry and forget that I’m not alone and that promises have been made to me by the only one who cannot break His Word.  But I always come back to the Truth, which amazingly enough always sets me free… which Jesus talks about in John 8:32.

I heard of a travelling evangelist who told a story of an old man walking many miles to meet him after a terrible disaster killed his wife and children and took away everything he valued in his life.  The evangelist was shaken to his core when he heard the man’s story: he had buried his entire family before walking for days without food or water.  His clothes were torn and barely hanging onto his body.  So the preacher, not having any idea what to do, asked what he thought about his situation.  The old man’s response was, “I never knew Jesus was all I needed until He was all I had.”  I have thought about that old man many times in my life and I believe he got it right.  I aspire to know Jesus as my everything… but without all the messiness of having to bury my family and lose everything else on this earth.  I pray today you will come one step closer to knowing Jesus as your everything

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Seth’s Sermons – Discipline

Posted on November 28, 2011 by

Discipline.  Not a fun word.  From the time we are able to differentiate between correct and incorrect behavior we are “disciplined.”  Let me start off by saying that I believe disciplined is often incorrectly used as a substitute of the word punishment.  Punishment can be used to discipline, but discipline carries a far greater scope than simply adjusting bad behavior.  The Creator of all things likes discipline but I do not believe He likes punishment.  I like to see discipline in my son and sometimes punish him as a form of discipline for incorrect behavior, but I despise punishment. 

Discipline is defined in a few ways: a behavior that develops or improves a skill; the exercise of restraint as it relates to an indulgence; the application of correction for incorrect behavior.  Punishment is a penalty inflicted for an offense or fault.  When I lightly swat my sons hand after telling and showing him multiple times to not touch the oven door, I have run the gamut of disciplining him and ended with the final form of discipline which is punishment.  When I swat my sons bottom and move him to a different room after he looks at me then splashes in the dog’s water bowl, I am punishing him for intentionally breaking a boundary I have set up in his life.  He knows full-well that he is not supposed to play in the dog bowl, but he (once in a while) chooses to anyway. 

            Our proverbial dog bowl is sin and unfortunately far larger than 9 inches in diameter and far more dangerous than a quart of water could ever be.  You can drown in a quart of water.  If you mix a few other chemicals with a quart of water you can ruin a priceless Persian rug or add it to a fuel tank and destroy an $800,000 engine.  A rotten quart of water can poison 500 gallons of purified water.  However, a single undisciplined sin can destroy the destiny of 10 generations.  The simple thought that you are worthless can, and in many cases has, lead to the utter and complete failure of a lifetime of expended energy. 

            We are all required to heed The Lord’s discipline and seek to live a disciplined life.  I am compelled to write about this because our culture embraces the idea that it is acceptable, even lauded, to be undisciplined in life.  If you want to buy something but don’t have the discipline to save enough to purchase it then just use credit so you can have it now but not have to pay for it.  If you don’t have the discipline to honor the commitment you made to your spouse, just nullify your commitment so you can follow your latest whim.  If you don’t have the discipline to focus on what you are doing and spill hot coffee on yourself, rather than owning the reward for your lack of discipline, just hire a lawyer to twist the truth and prove to some other undisciplined person that it was not your fault and get rich!  Random tidbit: 1 in 3 (33%) of lottery winners are entirely broke 5 years after winning millions.  Why?  Lack of discipline.  I have heard from numerous sources that just 50 years ago there were more millionaires than there are today and the value of the dollar was far greater (over 7 times greater to the tune of 600%+ inflation rate).  50 years ago credit was available, but generally frowned upon by the average American.  Now that we (the microwave generations) have learned how easy it is to live an undisciplined in life, we have seen our culture spiral out of control.  But I digress. 

            Discipline.  The Lord disciplines those whom He loves (Heb 12:6) and we are to live disciplined lives (Prov 1:3, 1 Pet 4:7).  Why are we to learn discipline and what does that look like?  We are to learn to be disciplined that we may win an eternal prize (1 Cor 9:25) and live peaceful lives that are a beacon to those around us pointing to the love that The Lord is expressing to everyone on this earth.  I can write about this not because I am disciplined, but rather because I am just learning to identify discipline.  The Lord has helped me establish some discipline in my life and it has served me very well.  Let me give an example of what I am talking about: when a child is playing inside of a fenced yard, they have complete freedom inside that boundary.  The fence is there to keep the harmful out and the children protected.  When you discipline yourself to not allow negative thoughts to control your mind you have more peace.  Oddly enough when you have more peace you can accomplish more at work and home and are a far better person to be around.  I know this from personal experience.  One of the other intriguing aspects of discipline is that it begets more discipline.  Another life example: when I started waking up early to exercise before going to work, I found myself with more energy during the day.  I also found that I was more disciplined in my time.  Then a very odd thing happened.  I realized I was unintentionally and often unconsciously looking for more places to be disciplined in my life.  I started eating better and taking better care of my money.  I started to get more work done around the house and my relationship with my wife grew stronger.  Was all of this because I got up earlier in the day?  No.  But I believe without a shadow of doubt that by seeking to discipline myself, I opened the door for Jesus to more easily mold and move me.  Because I am a committed follower of Jesus, He used this cycle of discipline to continue to make me into the person I was created to become.  And trust me when I tell you that the closer you get to being the person you were created to be, the better life is.  You cannot get there by following rules and getting up earlier or working harder.  You become who you were created to be by simply embracing The Lord’s discipline in your life and allowing Him to shape your thoughts, dreams, actions and words. 

            4 ½ years ago I allowed Jesus to use the incredibly difficult tribulation of brain cancer to reshape my life.  I chose to examine my thoughts, feelings and actions in the light of what He says about me and this life in the Bible and it radically changed my life.  I survived then by the grace of God and because I allowed Jesus to work in me I have unfathomable peace and immeasurable strength to face anything this life may throw at me.  I do not know what this next year holds for me or my family.  However, I know that rather than expend my energies trying to live my life before it’s over, I am going to continue to seek discipline that I may more fully know who I was created to be.  I have seen the evidence of God working in my life because I did not give myself over to vain imaginations or undisciplined actions.  I will continue to be an example of Jesus’ hand because I will stand on the knowledge that He will never leave me nor forsake me and if I continue to remain disciplined, he will further refine me. 

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Robin’s Rants – Random Request

Posted on November 17, 2011 by

11.16.11 – I have a request today.  A request that if you follow through with, I KNOW it will change your life and the relationships you have with the people you love the most.  When you go to bed tonight, pray with your spouse.  Not silently/individually but together.  Pray for one another, pray for your children, your future, your finances WHATEVER just start to pray together EVERY NIGHT.  It doesn’t have to be long and elaborate, sometimes a few words mean more to the other person then a big long message.  There are three nights in our 770 days of marriage that Seth and I haven’t prayed together.  How do I know it’s three nights you’re asking?  Because those are the worst three nights we’ve ever shared.  Thank goodness they weren’t all in a row!  :)

If you aren’t used to praying together, it might seem awkward at first but I know you will see the results immediately.  For those of you that aren’t married but have kids, pray with them, ask them to pray with you and for you!  It’s an awesome thing for them to realize that you’re praying for them, that you heard they had a hard day or that you too take delight in their accomplishments and you share those with God.  It’s honestly just something we’ve always done together and until the last couple of weeks, I don’t think I realized how much I count on that time together.  How precious that time is to me.

Seth and I might have 60 years together or we might have 60 days – who knows, none of us know what our future holds.  I encourage you to start TODAY!!  What do you have to lose?  If praying together is something you already do, PLEASE, share what a blessing it is to you too.  Be the light someone needs today.

 

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Seth’s Sermons – Saved

Posted on November 17, 2011 by
11.15.11   Saved

Saved.  One of the many applications in the defining of this word is to keep from being lost.  It is in this context that most Christian-ese apply the word.  To be lost is to be wandering around in this life with no real purpose other than to satisfy ones desires, both immediate and long-term.  I spent the better part of my childhood ‘lost’.  Likewise, I have spent all of my adult life ‘saved’.  That is, I have been kept from a purposeless, drifting, self-serving life.  Do not misunderstand me and hear that I have always had purpose, never drifted and not served my own ends.  Rather, when I was “saved,” something deep inside of me changed.  I understood that somewhere ‘out-there’ I had a purpose.  There was a glimmer of hope that I didn’t have to spend my life drifting from pleasure to pain trying to find a happy medium where-in I could co-exist with the world in relative peace… hopefully somewhere along the line finding myself with more than an entirely useless existence.  See, if Jesus is real and not a liar then I did not go from goo to the zoo to you.  And if, by some chance, I was actually created then there must have been a reason.

Following this line of logic will scare you.  It scared me at age 14 when I really began processing it.  It is always easier to believe that we came from nothing so that we can try and believe that it’s ok to come to nothing.  Nothing is easy… just follow whatever the latest desire of your mind is and you will quickly find nothing.  Nothing doesn’t require anything of us and has no purpose.  However, and this is probably the biggest ‘but’ in this hemisphere, if we have a purpose then nothing is a failure.  If we are not simply a function of evolutionary change and time but live like we are just a more-evolved monkey then we are a clay pot with the bottom broken out; useless except to be an example of uselessness.

Back to saved… my favorite definition of this word is to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of something.  See, the belief that Jesus is who is says He is and does what He said He will do comes with a promise that we do not have to be nothing.  My initial trusting that Jesus wasn’t a liar stemmed from the fear that when I die, I will find myself in hell.  Jesus promised that we could find the completion of our existence by putting him in charge of everything.  When I began walking out the result of trusting that promise I found that I did not have to be ‘nothing.’  Rather suddenly, I discovered purpose.  I was no longer trying to stave off a useless existence of serving my desires while co-existing.  Do not misunderstand me here; serving Jesus did not give me some sense of accomplishment.  I did not decide that I was going to read the Bible and be a better person.  I met Jesus, and He gave me a reason for everything.  I no longer needed to be good to impress or otherwise get ahead.  It was a good thing to be created.  The Bible says that I was created in God’s image and because I was born into this world, have been ruined.  But, the Bible also says that the One who created me can, if I allow, make me into who He created me to be.

I do not presume to know why or otherwise question the methods of the Creator of all things.  I simply trust that His words “I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” Jer 29:11 AMP.  So when I look ahead and see the blessing of another son while bearing the knowledge that most have not survived what I may be facing, I can trust that He who created me has a purpose.  He said that He will avoid the ‘spending, consumption or waste’ of my existence and give me hope in my final outcome.
 I could spend the rest of my life writing about how great it is to know Jesus, but today I just wanted to share a little bit about what defines my thoughts.  As I go through this process, I look forward to the refining of who and what I am so that I can be more pure in my purpose and more dedicated to all of that which I was created for.  As I examine myself down to the very core of my existence, I find great solace in knowing that there is purpose to me.  The fact that Jesus also promises to always walk through everything with me just makes this that much easier.  I truly wish every person would discover the terrifying idea that they are more than the sum of their thoughts and actions.  There was a purpose in your creation and there is a hope to be had in your final outcome… IF you chose.  To be ‘saved’ is to trust Jesus.  To live is to know Jesus.
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Robin’s Rants – Grandma’s House

Posted on November 17, 2011 by

11.15.11
I woke up this morning thinking about my grandma and how much I want to be with her now.  My grandma is so special to me – she is ‘home and love and comfort.’  No matter how broken I’ve been in the past she’s always stood with me; always supported, encouraged and loved me unconditionally.  As a kid I spent lots of time with her and as a teenager I loved being with her so much I counted her as one of my best friends.  I would come up with ideas for going places or new stores we should visit in other towns; she was always up for an adventure with me.  I felt like I was the most important person in her world when she and I were alone.   That has to be best life gift she could have ever given me.  I was really old when I finally figured out that all of us grandkids were ‘her favorite’ but for some reason it didn’t matter, I knew she was capable of loving all of us  - A LOT.

She’s always loved me for who I am, nothing more, nothing less.  She never held back telling me exactly what she thought about the decisions I was making – like having purple hair or a shaved head or wearing black all the time or that sometimes I was sassy, very sassy… Even when I got pregnant in my early twenties and told her I wasn’t going to marry my daughter’s father, she supported me.  She’s always treated me in a way that was loving, kind and accepting.   She knew my heart better then anyone and no matter what I did, no matter what I needed, I knew I could count on her to share my hopes, fears and dreams without doubt or judgment.  She listened and encouraged me, no matter how crazy my ideas were.  She made me believe the only limitations I had in life were the limitations I put on myself.
My grandma’s house was the definition of peace for me.  There was a special comfort about my grandparent’s home that I’ve never experienced anywhere else.  Not even in my own home.  I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat just because I was so comfortable.  She taught me to enjoy baking and always opened her kitchen for me to make whatever I thought sounded good.  If she didn’t have the ingredients one day, the next day when I got home from school they would be there.  She was a great teacher, unlike me; she was patient and let me learn to do things my own way.

To this day, I love to bake.  I love to read recipes and see what sounds fun and maybe even a challenge.  (That’s why I’m so perplexed as to how I have a family that doesn’t like sweet things… HOW is this possible?  I guess there is hope for Matthew and baby boy#2.)  I don’t mind it taking an entire day to make something because I have no greater pleasure on this earth then someone saying, “mmmmm, this is really good!”  I want everything I make to taste perfect and look even better!  The thing grandma didn’t teach me or something I didn’t learn or want to learn from her is how not to care so much when things aren’t perfect.  (I’m not blaming her for anything, she just always made everything seem easy, her house was always clean, her laundry was always done, she always had beautiful gardens and her house always smelled of something yummy and I WANT that, I NEED that!)

I want perfect!  I want a cute little house that’s landscaped perfectly and decorated beautifully for Christmas (and year round.)  I want friends to drop by and always have something yummy to eat.  I want it to be exceptionally clean so everyone who visits feels comfortable and happy (and I want to be happy looking around.)  Most importantly I want a house overflowing with joy and laughter.  I need my grandma right now because she’s the only living person I know that can help me figure all of this out.

I know it must seem so easy and admittedly it is easy on paper but honestly I’m so angry I can’t see straight.  I want to be planning for the holidays, I want to plan for our new baby, or more simply yet, I want to clean my house!  I want to make it through the day not exhausted and frustrated.   At this point in my pregnancy with Matthew, the baby had a name, a room theme, special things that we had selected just for him, three baby showers and… so much more.   I want to agree on a name for our new baby.  I want to talk about our dreams for the future but for whatever reason, I can’t think about our future.  I’m too afraid to find out what’s ahead.    Again… I know fear is not of the Lord; He has it all figured out but frankly, until I have this one figured out… I can’t think past the day I’m living (AND THAT IS NOT ME!!!)

When I think about how I’ve described my grandma, I can see how much she’s worked to live her life like Jesus.  She has a faith that I haven’t figured out yet.  Right now I feel like the poem my grandma always had in her dining room… the Footprints poem where it talks about the woman walking on the beach and looking back over her life and seeing only one set of Footprints.  I feel so alone, like such an imposter in this situation.  I’m not qualified to go through this with my husband.  All of his friends and family have been through this before and I have no idea how to deal with any of it.  A part of me wants to hold him so close and enjoy every moment with him and another part of me feels selfish for wanting him to myself and to our family.  I know God is in control but… if God is carrying me right now – I need His arms to wrap around me tighter.  I need Him to walk faster and get me to the point that I can stand on my own again.  I want to be at my grandma’s house so that I can feel at peace and sleep for a whole night even if only for a minute.

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Lexi’s Lessons – Sunny Days

Posted on November 17, 2011 by

11/15/11
The 2nd week of this journey has been surprisingly amazing. The first half wasn’t so great but the second half has been absolutely wonderful. I have been so happy and having so much fun with friends. Friday I’m gonna go watch two of my favorite artists with a group of girl friends and I can wait! Then I leave for Colorado on Saturday. I cannot wait. I miss Colorado so much. I get to see my baby brothers and sisters (although 2 aren’t so baby) I can’t wait to see them!!! I feel like this trip could really be a break through trip with me and my step mom and I am so excited to get to see her. I’m going to throw myself in my past for a day and visit my old school and while I am a little nervous, I am so excited to see old friends and old teachers. I really hope that I get to see my softball team, but as usual…. There isn’t enough time in the day.  I am so excited to get to see my family.  This trip is going to be amazing!!!

For the first time in a long time, I am so happy. Well I guess it’s not all that long but the past two weeks have felt like lifetimes. I feel like life is coming back together. I am slightly worried that I’m going to get brought up to a peak of happiness and then just fall in four more weeks after the next doctor’s appointment. Or maybe God is bringing me up because he knows that if I stay where I’m at, I cant handle another fall, or maybe, he is just bringing me to a high so that after the appointment I’m like SUUUPPPPEEEEERRRRRR happy and I’ll have an amazing holiday seasonJ I’m just gonna stick to the last option for awhile. I’ve realized that worrying does nothing for my. Yes daddy- you have told me that my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!! But I have been so stubborn. It took something MAJOR for me to realize that I don’t control the world. God does. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize the MAJOR things and seconds to realize the small things. I’ve never known why I was like that. I mean, why can I notice the deepest meaning in a bible verse in just skimming it, but when it comes to everyday life- I take days, weeks, months and years to notice it. Hmmmmm- Wanna know what I just realized? ALL of my answers are in the bible. My mission- read the bible in one month. Im going to figure out why my emotions are a mess, why I learn things in crazy ways, why I am me and well maybe why this whole thing is happening to my family.
Verse:
2 Timothy 3:16-17

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Prayer requests: A continued happiness, relief of my mom’s stress. SETH’S HEALING!!!!!!!

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Seth’s Sermons – Desires of My Heart

Posted on November 14, 2011 by

Desires of My Heart – 11.13.11

I have spent the past couple of days examining myself in light of the dichotomy that is the deepest desires of my heart.  See, in one hand I find myself loving this life with its entire myriad of incredible blessings.  I have a beautiful, intelligent, funny and fun wife who has given me two beautiful children (so far), great dreams that inspire me to reach for more every day and many, many other blessings that make me look forward to waking up each morning. On the other hand, I long for a perfect place that I have never known.  I have a discord deep in my inner-most being that knows this world with all it’s pain, death and unfathomable depravity is not right and it does nothing but call forth more of that desire for perfection.  So, I spend a great deal of energy weighing the decisions I make and the inputs I constantly process.

Long before this round of stress was even on anyone’s radar, people looked at me funny when I said I long for the end of this life.  I have not seen Heaven, but I long to.  I am not sinless, but I will be.  I can not imagine what the experience of The Lord’s glory will be, but I will know it one day.  I was created for that day.  So, once again here I am.  I sit with my wife watching my children and thank The Lord for filling my heart and life with such incredible blessings while I long to be finished with this life so I can bow in the direct light of His glory.  I ask Him to give me another 40 years or so with my wife so I can more fully express and experience our love and one day help my children become parents.  Then, I ask him to come quickly so I can move directly from the glory of the blessings of this life into the glory of His presence but I want him to wait so my kids can experience the joy of children.

Even as I read this now, I sense the pull of my spirit to heaven and my heart to earth.  I am a man torn.  This test of my character and faith only brings the gravity of this battle within me to the forefront of my consciousness.  No matter what happens tomorrow, I will today choose to bask in the blessings poured out on me while I wait for His Glory to engulf me.  I sense peace, patience, love, joy, kindness, gentleness and self-control as though in a fog while I long for the clarity of face-to-face interaction with my Jesus.

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Robin’s Rants – What’s Fair?

Posted on November 14, 2011 by

Nov 13, 2011
Be strong and courageous… Be strong and very courageous… Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go…. Joshua 1:6ish – 9

Joshua is one of my favorite people in the bible.  His life was full of excitement, success and honor.  He had an amazing, deep trust in God.  I often pray that I have the strength, courage and trust in God that Joshua had.  I mean, I trust God… I trust the Lord knows exactly what we need, where we are – that He’s mapped out everything, the stuff we are going through He’s known since the beginning and nothing’s a big deal to him.  Ummm, maybe this is where the phrase ‘all knowing God’ comes from… :)  I trust that he can heal and deliver and provide and well- everything else that he promises.  My issue is having faith; having faith that just because He CAN do it doesn’t mean he WILL.   Just because He can heal my husband, doesn’t mean He will or just because my husband is an amazing follower of Christ doesn’t mean that the Lord won’t let us walk through this season just to save us from the pain and discomfort we are facing.

We’ve been studying Romans at church and last night we were focusing on chapter 9.  It’s a book or section that is hard for me to comprehend.   I try to live as if God loves everyone and we are all His children and blah blah blah BUT it’s very clear that this book (Romans) sets some major boundaries for us.   That God doesn’t have to love us; he hates sin and can’t be around it.   While he’s patient with us, he chooses the degree with which he loves us and shows us mercy. (In a sense – I’m not a theologian, nor am I an eloquent, complex thinker so… it’s just my understanding at this point.)   If God loves everyone how does he let bad stuff happen to good people?  In Joshua he commands us to “not be terrified, not be discouraged and that God will be with us wherever we go.”

Romans 9:13-18

Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved and Esau I hated”  What then shall we say? Is God unjust?  Not at all! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.  For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

I pray that God chooses to have mercy on my husband and my family and that he has made me strong and courageous NOT for this instance.  I understand what he’s saying in Romans and I find it so unfair.  I’ve lived the ‘fun’, pre-christian wild life – I don’t deserve his mercy but for some reason, he’s given it to me, time and time again.  My husband on the other hand has put for great effort to live from his early teens for the Lord.  How, HOW can it be possible that God might not choose to show mercy to him?  I’m sorry – at this point, if he has to have another surgery, if he has to go through cancer treatments again – THAT IS NOT MERCY!!!  I’m praying and will continue to pray that He does choose mercy.  I will also continue to pray that my faith continue to grow to the size of a mustard seed.  Our life will continue, our goals will be accomplished and the division the enemy is working so hard to create in this tense time in my family, well – it will not happen.  We will focus on God’s love, his promises and our future.

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